Marcena Davis played Russian roulette during her early 20s. Disguised in passion, the bullet bitter-sweetly emerged in the form of a developing fetus. What should have been a joyous occasion was tragically complicated by the fact that Davis, at age 27, learned during the pregnancy that she was HIV positive.

She was going to be a mother living with HIV.

She was devastated.

Davis was no stranger to AIDS. Her mother died from disease in 1985 at the age of 52. Three years later, Davis was diagnosed and realized she was going to have to go through all of the pain she sat and watched her mother go through during the last years of her life.

Davis moved from Syracuse to New York City in 1982 to attend the Drake Business School to become a legal steno typist. At that time, Davis said AIDS was still relatively unknown. She became romantically involved with a man who was an intravenous drug user. She believes this is how she contracted the virus.

Prior to knowing she was infected, she had an infant son die in her arms of congenital heart disease, which Davis believes may have been a result of the virus. Davis learned she was HIV positive during her fifth pregnancy. She had six children total; none have been diagnosed with HIV.

Just when Davis thought her life was beginning to stabilize, in 2005 her oldest daughter was shot nine times by her daughter’s boyfriend before shooting himself.  

“I just want to cry some days,” Davis said. “There are days I get real sad sometimes. My kids try to comfort me and say ‘Mom, it’s going to be alright.’”

Two of her daughters still live with her: Iris “Nikki” Washington, 22, and Na’jae Davis, 14.  

Washington said her mother holds the family together.

“I wish I could step in more and be more helpful,” Washington said. “I just want to give her everything she deserves, all the extra help. In living my life, I don’t want to ever feel like I didn’t do enough for her before it’s too late, but I know she knows that I love her.”

Davis, whom her daughters consider the backbone of the family, said she gains strength from those closest to her.  

“My biggest supporters are my children and my grandkids. That’s what keeps me hanging in there,” Davis said. “Some days I just want to give up.”

Davis said when she feels like giving up, she goes to the mental health clinic at Upstate Medical University for therapy.

“I go talk to a therapist because it helps. It’s a lot to hold in and to carry and if you don’t get it out you could really do harm to yourself,” Davis said. “I found it happening to me. I started drinking a lot and abusing drugs a little. I had to get myself together.”

AIDS Community Resources has been helping Davis pull her life together for 14 years. ACR Executive Director Michael Crinnin said some people go for mental health counseling and some people don’t.  Helping individuals fight through mental barriers isn’t the end of their outreach.

“First and foremost, our case management deals with putting things in order so there is a positive health outcome,” Crinnin said. “So if your housing is vulnerable, you don’t have a medical provider, if you’ve got legal problems, mental health issues, etc. We’re trying to minimize the issues in your life that will maximize your access to and your success with health care.  Everything we do is about getting you into treatment and keeping you healthy.”

An ACR case manager helps Davis and her family try to live a normal life, despite the many challenges they face on a daily basis. Subsidized housing and mental health referrals are just a few ACR services that help Davis maintain.

“A lot of people are reluctant to tell one more person,” Crinnin said. “I think that it’s a crisis for a lot of people and I think it’s always smart to talk with someone who is skilled in mental health.  We offer it, but lots of times it takes a long time before someone is willing to get metal health.”  

Davis said she knew she needed to seek out psychiatric treatment and probably should have sought it out sooner.

“I was going crazy knowing that I’m dying, but I’m learning how to cope with it by going through therapy,” Davis said. “I’m a better person today because I know that the drugs are helping me and I know I can see my grandchildren everyday. I am a survivor.

“I’ve got to say that because it’s hard each and every day when I take the meds.”

Even though her medicines contest the virus, Davis said they make her feel terrible and fatigued.

Despite her weakened condition from her medication, Davis manages to muster up enough strength to raise her four grandchildren.

“I definitely notice that my mom gets tired, and especially now with having all the grandchildren every day,” Washington said. “I see it wear on her but she puts on this front. She’s very proud of her grandkids but I know that she’s tired. I know that she can’t really keep doing all this work with taking the medicine that makes her feel all crappy.”

Crinnin said the case managers check in on their clients to make sure they are taking the medication they’re prescribed.

“Since 1996 antiviral medications came onto the scene and they really started turning things around in a significant way,” Crinnin said. “Over the past 14 or 15 years there have been a number of drugs developed that attack the virus at different stages of its life cycle.”

People infected with HIV and AIDS are now able to live longer and fuller lives due to the medication that came out in the late 90s.  

“I made it this far, I’m so thankful to be alive to see my grandchildren,” Davis said. “I want to live, I want to see another day, I want to see my family I want to see my grandchildren grow up. And if you’re out there having unprotected sex you might not…you might not get another day.

“So many people are dead unnecessarily. All it takes is to use protection during sex and to be aware and knowledgeable of the virus, the AIDS virus, get educated.”